Learning to love my body has been a work in progress. I have gone through different experiences where I really disliked myself and allowed my pain to affect my body. As a teenager I suffered from anorexia for about a year where I would refuse to eat, and made sure I did sit ups and push-ups every night and every morning before I went to school. I rarely slept at night, and took frequent naps. My smoking increased as I discovered that when I smoked a cigarette, I would lose my appetite. I didn’t look very hot, had bags under my eyes, and my jaundiced-looking yellow skin told a story of a lack of worth and a blurred picture of beauty. At my lightest, I weighed ninety-two pounds at eighteen years of age. Luckily my mom seemed to notice and addressed the problem with my doctor. Even thought my weight came back, my worth as a person did not seem to make any progress. I allowed my body to pay for my pain numerous times after that. Every time I ended a relationship, my weight would drop. My body painted the picture of my soul – lacking, disliked, and ignored.

I did not understand what it meant to be a Diva, a goddess, a prima donna, the first lady of my life. I came second to what I saw on TV, or what others said of me and felt I should be. As I came to understand what it meant to love myself, I understood that my body deserved the focus of my love. I began taking care of it by feeding it nutritious foods, and quit taking substances and liquids that would damage its sanctity. After years of using cigarettes, weed, and alcohol, the journey and the process was not always easy. My body still showed scars from neglect. In a recent x-ray at the doctor’s I was asked if I had smoked, because my lungs still carried in them the fogginess of my pain.

Being a Diva in your life means holding yourself as your number one priority, knowing that you deserve the best out of life, and having the will to provide it for yourself. Becoming number one is always a process and requires work. My life has evolved as I have come to recognize qualities about myself, and have become empowered enough to give the time, the investment, and the energy to enhance my growth and development. No matter what I do, my worth is determined by my creation. I know now that I am worth it because I was created by an eternal and timeless love. Marianne Williamson writes, “ You were not created in sin; you were created in love”.

My internal maintenance takes up as much as, or more time than my external maintenance. I’m not sure when the term “ high maintenance” became an insult, but creatures as beautiful as women, first ladies, and divas require maintenance. All of me needs time; in the morning I take care of my clothes, my face, my teeth, my hair, my accessories and my shoes. During the day I feed myself and make sure I stay active. I feed my soul by meditating on the way to work and also listening to words and music that make me happy or inspire me. Jay-Z’s latest album, “The Blueprint 3”, has been my current dose of inspiration. When I return home, I still have more maintenance to take care of, like making dinner, working out, reading, and writing.

Being who I am is always a work in progress, and I have evolved past many stages, labels, and obstacles. I go by many names, many titles, and I fulfill different roles in different lives. To some I am a friend, to others a colleague, a sister, a daughter, or a companion, but none of these words can ever fully describe all the different components encompassed by my being. Who I am continues to evolve as my destiny continues to emerge. In my understanding, allowing others to deter my destiny is no longer an option. Deepak Chopra taught me this when he wrote, “ If we allow ourselves to become swayed by forces in the physical world, whether they are well-meaning or not then we are lured away from our soul’s destiny.”

It is crucial to walk and talk by your rules. To love yourself as you are. As you evolve you shed the skins of your past and embrace your current outfit. The cigarettes and eating disorders are no longer part of me. Right now I have permission to be great. I am the star, performer, and Diva of this tour. The tour starts today and ends today. And tomorrow I start another tour, another experience, and moment.

Loving my 5’ body and size 0 frame has required evolving past looking at beauty as only an outward accomplishment. I don’t know if I will ever have Beyonce’s thighs, or Salma Hayek’s breasts, but I have my thighs, my hips, my arms, my legs, and my essence, and I am more than good enough. I am a flawless creation, I am a Diva, I am the first lady of this show called Clarisa. Like me, I know there are other Divas, women evolving past the disorders that have haunted our progress and hindered us becoming the performers we were born to be.

Walk your walk, talk your talk, and work it. You are a DIVA.

Create your life, shamlessly!